TOO MANY IDEAS...NOT ENOUGH COFFEE...
Rants, raves, fiction, and laughs
Sunday, September 16, 2012
"Why, she works at a Nail Salon, Watson..."
Attention Mystery writers!
I had a total Sherlock Holmes moment yesterday at the nail salon that I thought I might as well share, and that is this:
Nail Salon employee's have very distinctive nails.
*Their feet are always impeccable; they tend to wear flipflops in the coolest of weather, so as not to smudge their toe polish which is reapplied frequently and flawlessly, sometimes with rhinestone adornment.
*Their HANDS, however are usually very plain and always bare and devoid of polish. Their cuticles are trimmed, and their nails are neat and somewhat dry and yellow owing to (I assume) frequent exposure to polish remover.
*The thumbnail of the DOMINANT hand is curiously flat and the underside of the thumbnail is always spattered with many colours of polish. This is because, when their clients' polish tends to pool near the nail bed, they will correct this with a quick application of the thumbnail. This happens so frequently, that they almost never attempt to clean the polish, possibly that at some point it is assumed it will NEVER come off.
Possibly not important, but there if you need it.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012
My 9-11 story
By Monica Marier
Okay, I don't think I've really written this down before, so I'm going to record it as accurately as I can.
On September 11th 2001, I was an Art Student at George Mason University in Northern Virginia. I was on financial aide so I worked mornings and some afternoons in the Music Department as a desk-monkey, taking messages and stuffing envelopes. I walked into the office that morning, like it was any other day. I plopped down my bookbag and got out my copy of Dracula that I was reading for the billionth time. It was then that I heard Tammy, my boss on the phone talking to someone in a frantic voice.
"Calm down, Patricia! What are you talking about? You just saw a plane crash? What?"
Tammy put down the phone, her face white, and said to no one in particular.
"Dr. Miller said she just saw a plane crash into the Pentagon from her balcony."
We were gobsmacked.
What was going on?
We ran to the radio at the back of the office and switched it on. We stood like stunned cattle listening to the NPR report that terrorists had hijacked a plane and crashed it into the pentagon. Then I heard that the twin towers were gone too.
I felt cold and numb all over. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening. This was some plot lifted out of a Keanu Reeves action film. This stuff didn't happen in real life.
It was when I heard that there was a bomb at the State Department that I lost it. My dad worked at the State Department. I later found out it was a false alarm, but at the time I was already raw with fear. I burst into blubbering tears until Tammy quietly suggested I go back to my dorm.
I didn't though. I walked to the Johnson Centre, where TV's had been wheeled out, and I stared tear-stained as the footage from the Twin Towers crash was playing on a continuous loop. I saw it hit over and over hurting me like a sharp blow to the chest. My room didn't have a TV all day I stared in dumb horror at the screens as they became available. I didn't eat lunch. I picked numbly at my dinner as the news counted more and more deaths that day, and a plane downed in Pennsylvania.
As it got dark later that evening, I stumbled back to the dorm and stumbled upon a group of people gathered around a statue of George Mason, their heads bowed in prayer. I was only a lapsed Catholic at the time, but I felt the urge to join in that circle. Two hands gladly grasped mine, damp with the effort of getting through that day. We prayed to God to give us strength that day. We prayed for the dead. We prayed for protection from death that everyone felt could strike us at any moment.
We were terrified.
As the circle broke up, we found ourselves clinging to small groups as we walked back to our respective dorms. We were all strangers to each other, yet we sought comfort in each other's company, making small talk as we walked back to our spartan rooms. I called my boyfriend (my future husband) and tried to make sense of it all.
The next day, we went to class. Two of my teachers were practicing Muslims and didn't come to school that day out of fear. We used the class period to write them a letter about how much we still appreciated them.When they came back the next week we hugged them and cried.
As people became able to talk about the event, I was amazed to discover that many of my friends' parents (who all worked in the city and Pentagon) had all had amazing coincidences that kept them from the Pentagon that day. One had been running late due to a flat tire. One had decided to go out for a coffee run. One who had an office on the side that was demolished had been asked to visit a colleague on the other side of the building. One had simply felt the urge to play hooky that day and called in sick.
I actually don't remember much of the rest of that semester. For three months I seemed to be in a walking dream. I only remembered that in my mother's house (which was right under the flight path for Dulles Airport) that every time I heard a plane engine overhead, I would tremble all over.
~Monica Marier.
Okay, I don't think I've really written this down before, so I'm going to record it as accurately as I can.
On September 11th 2001, I was an Art Student at George Mason University in Northern Virginia. I was on financial aide so I worked mornings and some afternoons in the Music Department as a desk-monkey, taking messages and stuffing envelopes. I walked into the office that morning, like it was any other day. I plopped down my bookbag and got out my copy of Dracula that I was reading for the billionth time. It was then that I heard Tammy, my boss on the phone talking to someone in a frantic voice.
"Calm down, Patricia! What are you talking about? You just saw a plane crash? What?"
Tammy put down the phone, her face white, and said to no one in particular.
"Dr. Miller said she just saw a plane crash into the Pentagon from her balcony."
We were gobsmacked.
What was going on?
We ran to the radio at the back of the office and switched it on. We stood like stunned cattle listening to the NPR report that terrorists had hijacked a plane and crashed it into the pentagon. Then I heard that the twin towers were gone too.
I felt cold and numb all over. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening. This was some plot lifted out of a Keanu Reeves action film. This stuff didn't happen in real life.
It was when I heard that there was a bomb at the State Department that I lost it. My dad worked at the State Department. I later found out it was a false alarm, but at the time I was already raw with fear. I burst into blubbering tears until Tammy quietly suggested I go back to my dorm.
I didn't though. I walked to the Johnson Centre, where TV's had been wheeled out, and I stared tear-stained as the footage from the Twin Towers crash was playing on a continuous loop. I saw it hit over and over hurting me like a sharp blow to the chest. My room didn't have a TV all day I stared in dumb horror at the screens as they became available. I didn't eat lunch. I picked numbly at my dinner as the news counted more and more deaths that day, and a plane downed in Pennsylvania.
As it got dark later that evening, I stumbled back to the dorm and stumbled upon a group of people gathered around a statue of George Mason, their heads bowed in prayer. I was only a lapsed Catholic at the time, but I felt the urge to join in that circle. Two hands gladly grasped mine, damp with the effort of getting through that day. We prayed to God to give us strength that day. We prayed for the dead. We prayed for protection from death that everyone felt could strike us at any moment.
We were terrified.
As the circle broke up, we found ourselves clinging to small groups as we walked back to our respective dorms. We were all strangers to each other, yet we sought comfort in each other's company, making small talk as we walked back to our spartan rooms. I called my boyfriend (my future husband) and tried to make sense of it all.
The next day, we went to class. Two of my teachers were practicing Muslims and didn't come to school that day out of fear. We used the class period to write them a letter about how much we still appreciated them.When they came back the next week we hugged them and cried.
As people became able to talk about the event, I was amazed to discover that many of my friends' parents (who all worked in the city and Pentagon) had all had amazing coincidences that kept them from the Pentagon that day. One had been running late due to a flat tire. One had decided to go out for a coffee run. One who had an office on the side that was demolished had been asked to visit a colleague on the other side of the building. One had simply felt the urge to play hooky that day and called in sick.
I actually don't remember much of the rest of that semester. For three months I seemed to be in a walking dream. I only remembered that in my mother's house (which was right under the flight path for Dulles Airport) that every time I heard a plane engine overhead, I would tremble all over.
~Monica Marier.
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Friday, August 31, 2012
Home Sweet Home
By Monica Marier
“…And then what happened?” asked Kathy.
Celia’s shoulders hunched as she stifled a full-body
shudder. With tears in her eyes and a trembling voice she looked up into the
bright lights.
“We… uh… we kept feeling a presence. An evil presence that
we knew immediately wanted us out. We… sorry…” Celia broke down and Kathy put a
comforting hand on her shoulder. Celia rocked on the snow white couch and
fanned her face.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. Then things started happening. We heard
footsteps downstairs at night, when we checked on them, everyone was still in
bed. The radio would randomly switch on and play music— it was always music
from the 30’s. We’d feel cold spots. Strange stains would appear in the
wallpaper and would be gone the next morning. Then… it started attacking the
kids.”
Celia looked away from Kathy as
she spoke, her eyes focusing on her husband standing nearby.
“My youngest would wake up with strange bruises
and scratches all over him. My husband would wake up to find me hovering over
the bed. Blood dripped down the walls… Finally we tried to leave… but it wouldn’t
let us.”
“But you’re here now.”
“Not for long anyway. We’re still prisoners of
the house to this day.”
Kathy looked away from Celia
finally and said in a cheerful clear voice.
“Celia Lintzer’s book ‘The
Ghost in an American Dream’ is on the top best-seller list for the twentieth
week, and Warner Brothers has greenlit the movie version. Are you excited?”
Celia bravely dried her
tears and nodded, seemingly recovered. “Yes, the studio has just signed Renee
Zelwiger to play my part. I think it’s slated to come out fall next year.”
“Chilling stuff,”
said Kathy with a botox-numbed mug to the camera. “Well, just for the sake of
argument, what’s your reaction to people who insist that this is all an
elaborate hoax? That there’s no evidence of your house being built over the
graves of drowned witches—
that the reported events have no eyewitness other than yourself, and that the
priest you said blessed the house and the detective you hired claim to never
have met you?”
Celia’s smile
froze a little and a mad glint sparked into her eyes, but she took a deep
breath and settled into the white chintz again. “Well, that’s simply not true. I don’t blame
the Catholic Church for wanting to cover up what proved to be a botched exorcism
rite, and our governor has made it abundantly clear that they don’t want this
event to sully the town’s reputation. We are in a housing crisis, after all. I’m
sure the price of homes would drop if any potential buyers knew…” Celia
dissolved into blubbering sobs again. “…what we went through. And then some
might simply be lying out of fear,” she added quietly.
“You’re of
course referring to the mysterious accidents that befell the psychic team that
investigated the house,” said Kathy.
“Smothered in
a fire,” said Celia Lugubriously. “Yes the house took its revenge on them.”
“Yes, but the
psychics supposedly found no paranormal activity in the house,” said Kathy
pointedly.
“They found…”
said Celia, “That the only thing to have survived the fire was a copy of my
book.”
“And then
there was the man who wrote a book exposing the house’s activity as a hoax; he
died before his book was published,” said Kathy.
“And so did
the owner executive of the publishing company,” said Celia, wiping away another
tear. “They were in the same car, when it burst into flames. And the only thing
that wasn’t destroyed in the fire…”
“…Was a copy
of your book,” finished Kathy with a showy shudder.
“I still
suffer nightmares from the whole experience, and I only pray that the house
doesn’t come for me next.” Celia shrank into a ball and Kathy dutifully
comforted her. She leant next to Celia and whispered, “You’re running us over,
shut up.”
“Well thanks
for coming on our show, Celia,” said Kathy in her stage voice. “Cathy’s book is
available in all major book retailers. We’ll be right back!”
The camera man
made a gesture and Celia got up from the couch with a cold nod to Kathy and met
her husband, Bill, near the edge of the sound stage.
“Well that
went well,” said Bill in a bored voice. “Now hurry up, we have to pack for our
flight for New York.”
“Stupid bitch,”
said Celia. “I know exactly what she was trying to do.”
“Maybe the
rumors of fire-related deaths were a bit much,” said Bill.
“You told me to say fire,” accused Celia in a
low voice. “You said the fire thing tied it altogether so nicely. Besides, no
one ever checks that crap.”
“Well Raimi
called and said he wanted to make a few artistic changes to the movie.”
“If he turns
me into a sobbing doormat, I’m going to shove that script up his ass,” said
Celia stabbing at the air with her keys.
They sat in the Lexus and exchanged a
tiny grin.
“Who could
ever think you’re a doormat, Cece?” said Bill and they exchanged a sterile
kiss.
They walked
through the wide door of the blue Dutch Colonial and checked their watches. The
kids would be at the nanny’s until she dropped them off again at 7.
“Do you want
to have sex?” asked Celia.
“Why?” asked
Bill in mild surprise. They hadn’t slept next to each other for over three
years now.
“I’m bored,”
said Kathy with a shrug.
“Sure,” said
Bill, throwing his coat on the floor. He then thought better of it and hung the
designer leather jacket up on a hanger before he joined Kathy. When he got
upstairs he saw her standing in her underwear staring at the bed. She was white
and shaking, her shirt still half-off. Bill looked where she was staring and
froze.
The bed was
bleeding.
The ground
began to tremble as the crucifix on the wall (bought shortly before the
psychics showed up, just for the look of things) rotated on its nail until it
was head down. They stepped away from the tide of blood as it approached them.
“I don’t
understand this,” said Celia in a shaking voice. “It’s not real. None of it’s
real.”
“Someone is
playing a prank on us,” said Bill in a husky voice.
A voice came
out of the heating duct that seemed to vibrate them from inside.
“I am very dissappointed,” it said.
“It can’t be
true! I don’t believe it’s true!!” shrieked Celia tearing at her hair as the
blood lapped at her toes. “Who’s doing this?”
“THE HOUSE IS
DOING IT!” cried Bill and they both knew it was true. “But that’s impossible!
It’s not haunted! It’s never been haunted! There’s no such thing!”
The radio
switched on and played Glenn Miller’s “In the Mood.”
A wave of blood washed over Bill and he was gone, there was only his white hand sinking into what seemed a bottomless sea of crimson.
“WHY?!”
shouted Celia. “Why are you doing this?” she shouted at the ceiling as the
radio rose to a deafening volume.
Celia felt a cold hand on
her shoulder and feeling numb, she turned around. She saw closet door as it
yawned open and black rotted hands, dripping with ichor dragged her into the
darkness. Before she felt her mind slipping away she felt a voice in the dark
space behind her eyeballs.
“You shouldn’t have lied,”
it said “Houses have feelings too.”
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Thursday, August 23, 2012
Back to School
Monica IRL
by Monica Marier
There’s nothing quite so jarring to a child as being brutally
torn from the warm comforting womb of kindergarten to be dumped in the grey antiseptic
hell that is First Grade. I remember walking into the classroom and noting how
grey everything was. Of course, things were always grey in 1987 Warsaw , the
coal dust clouds in the air turned everything in the city into shades of mud
and charcoal, but this room really was
grey and I longed for my Kindergarten classroom. The cheerless walls full of
rules for spelling and math replaced the happy pictures of teddies and children
playing. The cold grey linoleum replaced the soft, if somewhat stained, red
carpet. Instead of group tables that I shared with the classmates I loved,
there were only grey metal desks of solitude.
I shivered in my Kangaroo high-tops as I entered. There was
no love, no mercy, no escape. A thin brisk woman ushered us into the class. Her
lips were pinched and pruney, and they did not smile at us. She patted her cropped
wiry hair which stood up on her head like a sergeant’s beret.
“Welcome back to school, first graders. I am your teacher. My
name is Mrs. Virginia Fünke.”
I’m not kidding. That was her name.
Even as a kid I knew this was an absurd name, and under
other circumstances I would have laughed a good hour over it. But there was no
titter of giggles, no one even cracked a smile. We were as sober and scared as
if she had just said, “I am Satan, Prince of Darkness.”
“And this is our class aide, Mr. Lowe,” she continued
gesturing to the back of the room.
The ground shook as suddenly from the dark recesses of the
classroom came a cyclopean nightmare. A six foot seven giant of a man made of
solid muscle. His beefy face was red, his lips screwed into a frown. He glared at us through tinted glasses in
aviator frames as the fluorescent lights glinted on his sparsely-covered head.
“HULLO,” he barked in a deep Australian accent. “I'M MISTER LOWE.”
Those of us with dry pants gazed up in abject terror. He
seemed to sense this for his frown deepened and he said no more. Mrs. Fünke called the role but most of us had forgotten our names by now and had to be
asked twice.
“Now look at the worksheet on your desk,” Mrs.
Fünke said in
her clipped tones.
We looked down at a black and white Xerox. It was supposed
to be a jolly picture of a circus train, each train containing happy animals or
something. The joy was sucked out, however, by the dingy light filtering
through the barred windows.
“Fill in the train cars with the alphabet,” said Mrs.
Fünke,
and we scrambled for our pencil boxes, frantic to obey her.
“… in pen,” she added.
The world stopped dead.
In pen? Was she serious? Pen was—well it was indelible! Pen
was an accident waiting to happen. Most of us, at this point had never even
been allowed to wield one let alone do school work with one.
With shaking fingers
I pulled out my standard issue ballpoint pen and pulled the cap off. The
unfamiliar smell of cheap ink turned my stomach as my chubby fingers gripped
the implement. Slowly, with the care of a jeweler cutting a priceless diamond,
I dug the pen into the paper. I could feel Mr. Lowe staring at me, and knew
instinctively (quite accurately I might add) that he was waiting for an excuse
to pounce. After I completed an uppercase and lowercase “Aa” I allowed myself
to breathe.
The “Bb” and the “Cc” came easier and by the “Ff” I’d hit my
stride. I was beginning to ignore the cold sweat on my neck and the piercing eyes
of Mr. Lowe as they glinted behind his dark glasses, watching our every
movement. I had just finished the “Zz” when I realized with a horrible shudder
that something was wrong. There was an extra box at the end. Feeling feverish I
searched the worksheet and discovered to my horror that I had completely
skipped the letter “M.” How did I miss “M”? It was the first letter of my name,
for God’s sake! But there it was,” Ll…Nn…Oo,” permanently scribed in noxious
blue ink. I saw a shadow loom over my desk and I my insides froze. Fearing it
was the titanic Mr. Lowe, I hunched up, trying to make myself small and
unappetizing.
“How are we getting on?” came Mrs.
Fünke’s low voice over my
head. I felt only a little relieved. I looked up into her gimlet stare and knew
I was dead woman.
“I umsle bumble num,” I stammered in a barely perceptible
voice.
“What was that?” she asked coldly.
“I made a mistake, see?” I confessed, showing her the extra
box and the missing “M”.
“I see,” said Mrs.
Fünke eyeing my childish scrawls
critically. “I guess you’ll just have to do it again.”
She then placed a new blank sheet on my desk and I felt her
words burn me.
DO. IT. AGAIN.
I felt tears rising in my eyes and knew there was no holding
them back. My lip trembled and my nose ran as my face prickled and stung. Then
the damn broke. Wet hot tears rolled down my face, contorted with the effort of
not making a sound, and splashed onto the virgin paper. Despite my efforts,
little whimpers escaped my lips, alerting my classmates to my predicament. Most
were probably sympathetic, but all I could hear was the whispers of my hated
nickname that I earned last year.
Crybaby. Look crybaby is crying. Teacher made crybaby cry.
I went blind at that point, the tears blurring everything
around me as I stared fixedly at my desk. The next thing I could hear was Mr.
Lowe looming over me and roaring: “STOP CRYIN’! FOR GOD’S SAKE, GIRL! STOP CRYIN’!”
I remember very little of the rest of that day. I only
remember that the rest of the year was just as awful and as was the longing I
felt for Kind Miss Szewicki and her Kindergarten classroom.
This entire memory flashed into life again as I took my
trembling son to meet his first grade teacher. Granted, it wasn’t so bleak as
my old classroom; there were toys and paint pots and pictures of Winnie the Pooh.
But there were also grey walls and grey floors and solitary grey desks.
My son whimpered next to me. “I don’t like it. It’s scary
here.”
“It will be fine. There’s nothing awful about first grade,”
I lied.
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Saturday, August 18, 2012
Reverse Sherlocking
After watching Sherlock Holmes for a while, I find that I start doing his "intense scrutiny" of my surroundings trying to come up with similar results. I wander around my kitchen analyzing myself and thinking, "what does this room say about me?"
Of course it's all nonsense. It only works if you already know the person's story, and then find little ways to reveal it. A.C. Doyle used this method to give us a short amount of exposition without being boring, a tremendous feat, and "wow" us with Sherlock's insane genius.
Still it's a fun literary exercise, that I now put to you. Once in a while, walk around your house thinking, "what does this room say about me?" Here's what I came up with after a few minutes. Of course you have to hear it in Cumberbatch's or Brett's voice.
* Cereal boxes of no consistent size or brand, which means you shop the sales, you're either saving money or hard up, judging by the state of your cookware, hard-used and nearly broken, I'd say it was the latter.
*Coffee, same thing, different sizes, different brands, but I notice you have 3 cannisters in your pantry, which makes you an addict. It's a new coffee maker, but a very cheap one, which means you go through a lot of them.You also... spill a lot as you walk, not a morning person, are you?
*There's dust on the lip of the piano cover, but not on the top, which means you leave it up all the times... but there's very little dust build up on the middle keys which means you play regularly. The music books lying around have been there for a few days, so one of you reads music, and someone else doesn't. Judging by the state of the books the difficulty level, and the length of your fingernails, I'd say that you play regularly but you can't read music. Your husband reads, but he doesn't play often.
*Your wedding portrait is resting on the piano under a sheaf of leaves... trouble in paradise? Oh, No! See here, you've got the mollys and the nails and— my word— even a level and a T-sqaure out—all covered in dust too. You obviously mean to hang the painting, but are afraid that you won't like how it's hung and mean to do a proper job of it it you ever get around to it, and perhaps when the children are in school
*Yes you have two children, close in age, a boy and a girl. See you have two of all the gender-neutral toys, hula hoops, art pads, beach buckets (how was your trip to the Outer Banks, by the way?). With smaller children, you have to have two pf everything to avoid rows. Yet you only have one doll and one water pistol, which means different genders. Also the gender neutral items tend to have one primary colour and one pastel—does your daughter actually like pink, or do you just get pink not to confuse it with the boy's.
*You have a million little house-hold tasks which you are waiting on until the house it free during the day, but let's face it, if you were any sort of a go-getter you would have done the dishes this morning. Am I right?
Of course it's all nonsense. It only works if you already know the person's story, and then find little ways to reveal it. A.C. Doyle used this method to give us a short amount of exposition without being boring, a tremendous feat, and "wow" us with Sherlock's insane genius.
Still it's a fun literary exercise, that I now put to you. Once in a while, walk around your house thinking, "what does this room say about me?" Here's what I came up with after a few minutes. Of course you have to hear it in Cumberbatch's or Brett's voice.
* Cereal boxes of no consistent size or brand, which means you shop the sales, you're either saving money or hard up, judging by the state of your cookware, hard-used and nearly broken, I'd say it was the latter.
*Coffee, same thing, different sizes, different brands, but I notice you have 3 cannisters in your pantry, which makes you an addict. It's a new coffee maker, but a very cheap one, which means you go through a lot of them.You also... spill a lot as you walk, not a morning person, are you?
*There's dust on the lip of the piano cover, but not on the top, which means you leave it up all the times... but there's very little dust build up on the middle keys which means you play regularly. The music books lying around have been there for a few days, so one of you reads music, and someone else doesn't. Judging by the state of the books the difficulty level, and the length of your fingernails, I'd say that you play regularly but you can't read music. Your husband reads, but he doesn't play often.
*Your wedding portrait is resting on the piano under a sheaf of leaves... trouble in paradise? Oh, No! See here, you've got the mollys and the nails and— my word— even a level and a T-sqaure out—all covered in dust too. You obviously mean to hang the painting, but are afraid that you won't like how it's hung and mean to do a proper job of it it you ever get around to it, and perhaps when the children are in school
*Yes you have two children, close in age, a boy and a girl. See you have two of all the gender-neutral toys, hula hoops, art pads, beach buckets (how was your trip to the Outer Banks, by the way?). With smaller children, you have to have two pf everything to avoid rows. Yet you only have one doll and one water pistol, which means different genders. Also the gender neutral items tend to have one primary colour and one pastel—does your daughter actually like pink, or do you just get pink not to confuse it with the boy's.
*You have a million little house-hold tasks which you are waiting on until the house it free during the day, but let's face it, if you were any sort of a go-getter you would have done the dishes this morning. Am I right?
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