Free Tuxedo

By Monica Marier

This is based off a comic I started in 1999. It was called "Tomorrow the World" and was basically chronicling the personal lives of employees working for a Bond-ian villain with aspirations of global domination. I put the comic on the back-burner for now, but I plan to pick it up again later. (MUCH later.)

Stone Fox, AKA Jonny Fawkes, secret agent, pulled the diving mask off and climbed out of the shark tank. Floating in the tank were the mutilated remains of the two henchmen who had tried to jump him, and the sated sharks were docilely sleeping off their heavy dinner.

Fox kicked aside the fins and oxygen tank as he unzipped his diving suit to reveal his flawless tuxedo. Shaking the water droplets out of his luxurious hair, he looked around the secret underwater lair. On a platform was a large computer console — a jungle of screens, dials, and keyboards. And at the centerpiece, the computer mainframe… was a beat up DELL with a cracked screen. The screensaver was cycling through pictures of Christina Hendricks in provocative poses.

Stone Fox rolled his eyes as he logged in (using the password he’d gotten in his fortune cookie) and accessed Agent W’s desktop. He dragged the folder from the Dell to W’s drop box and watched the progress bar count down.

28% completed.

“I was wondering when you would arrive, Stone Fox,” came a sonorous voice from the far corner of the lair.

Drawing his Walther PPK from his tailcoat, Fox spun around to face... THE SCHMITZ.

The Schmitz stepped into the light, flanked by his two right-hand men, Erik Sigurd and Osamu Hidekei.  Schmitz was trimly dressed in a caramel-colored jacket with a mandarin collar, his face still carefully in shadow. He wasn’t stroking a white Persian cat, but that was simply due to allergies.

“You’re finished Schmitz,” said Fox, eying the beat-up laptop —  41% completed. “We’ve got all the evidence and schematics we need to shut you down!”

56% Completed.

“However did you get past the whirling knives?” asked Schmitz, impressed.

“You should have gone with Ginsu, Schmitz. I found the knives to be rather… dull,” Fox quipped.

62% Completed.

“And the laser net?” asked Schmitz.

“I discovered the pattern immediately,” bragged Fox. “Nothing like a little hopscotch game.”

76% completed.

Schmitz nodded . “And poor Gregory. He couldn’t stop you?”

“Gregory? I found him rather ‘armless,” quipped Fox.

84% completed.

Shmitz and Fox stood in mutual silence.

92% completed.

“Sigurd? Hidekei?” said Schmitz. His two male-model cronies stepped forward.

“Sir?” they said in unison.

99% completed.

“Shoot,” said Schmitz.

Both men raised their glocks and fired. Sigurd hit Fox in the head. Hidekei shot the Dell.

The last thing Fox said as the world went red was, “That’s… cheating….”

***

“DUDE! I found another one!” shouted August. He yanked open the gym locker as far as he could. His quarter jangled in the key-slot. Keeping the spring-loaded door ajar with his shoulder, August reached in and pulled out a soft bundle wrapped in shrink wrap.

“Another tuxedo?” asked Rosario (called Zari).

“Yeah! This is like the third one, Zari!” shouted August, trying to peel off the sticky tape seal.

“Where do they all come from?” asked Zari peering in the locker with suspicion. It was like every other locker in the Employee Fitness Center. It was just a coin-operated metal locker with razor-sharp corners. No secret panels, no gateways to Narnia, just petrified gum and an old Band-Aid.

“Maybe some guy keeps leaving his dry cleaning in here,” suggested Zari.

“Then why is the key back in the lock?” asked August. He was now trying to bite through the cellophane.

“Maybe he didn’t want it anymore,” said Zari.

“Hope not, cause this is mine,” said August finally freeing the clothing from the bag and shaking it out “Ooh! Armani! Ver’ nice!” It smelled freshly laundered and the rich fabric shimmered under the florescent lighting.  He examined the tag on the trousers.

“Aw MAN! 32 waistband,” he moaned.

“I wonder who it belonged to,” mused Zari.

“Whoever he was, he didn’t eat Lil’ Debbie’s Oatmeal Cream Pies for breakfast every day,” sighed August.

“Like you?”

“Well crap, I’m never going to find a 36.” sighed August. “You want it?”

“I’m a 34,” said Zari. “You can at least keep the jacket.”

“What the hell am I gonna do with a jacket and no pants?” said August in annoyance.

“You could wear a kilt with it.”

“A  KILT?”

“Yeah, like Sean Connery.”

August snorted. “My family’s Dutch/German. We don’t do kilts. Well I already paid my quarter for this locker, so let’s cram our stuff in and hit the pool.”

August shoved his spare clothes into tight space and tried to cram his shoes in the upper shelf with no luck. “There’s something up there.”

Zari stood on a bench to peer in. “Oh, I see what’s doing that,” he said reaching in. “This was in the way.”

August glanced up as Zari pulled out something off-white and round. Zari proffered it to August to examine.

It was a human skull.

“Oh. That explains it,” said August nodding. “Is it clear now?” he asked, indicating the upper shelf.

“No, there’s a bunch of other bones. Femurs and junk.”

August sighed in frustration. “Forget it. I’m not cleaning all that crap out.” He tossed his shoes in and slammed the locker door shut before they tumbled out. Wrenching out the key, he shoved the elastic band over his bulky wrist.

“Come on,” said Zari. “We’re wasting valuable pool time.”

“That reminds me. Did you finish collating those mailing fliers for Monday?” asked August.

“I’ll do it Monday morning,” grumbled Zari.

“You better. Riggs will have my ass if they don’t go out before the new insurance packages take effect.”

“Aw come ON! Like SchmitzCo really hinges on the insurance benefits briefings.”

“I dunno. This company has a LOT of employees. We’re going global next week.”

“Big deal,” said Zari. “Do you even know what the hell this company does?”

August pondered this for a moment. “Bonds?” he looked at Zari questioningly.

Zari only shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I dunno either.”

August shrugged. “In the grand scheme of things, it probably has nothing to do with two cubicle monkeys like us.”

“Yeah. Remind me to steal  some more pens when we get back on Monday.”

“Will do — Hey, Erik! Hey, Ossy!” August waved to Hidekei and Sigurd as they came in from the lobby, gym bags on their shoulders.

“Hey,” said Erik with a slight smile.

“Sup!” said Ossy, grinning.

August and Zari walked across the slick tiles to the pool.

“I like them. They’re so nice,” said August in admiration.
He tossed the skull in the wastebasket.

WHITE HAT

I'm out of town this week, so this is from the archives. I was a twitter/writer n00b who posted this under the hastag #fridayflash without even knowing what it meant or what FF was. I was schooled soon enough under the gentle guidance of friends, but I felt sad that this never got a proper debut. Please Enjoy.



White Hat the Computer Whisperer stared at the grey warehouse and tried to ignore the cold sweat breaking on the back of his legs. He was crossing the line here. All the ‘pros’ he had listed on his sheet of Snoopy® stationary were looking pretty pale next to the one ‘con’ he had listed: “illegal.” He had underlined it twice. White Hat crumpled the stationary in his hand and stowed it in the back pocket of his grimy jeans.

He approached the digital lock mounted next to the steel door.
“HELLO!” said the lock. To White Hat, it sounded like a squeaky-voiced chipmunk, of the singing variety.
“Hey,” said White Hat. “Can you let me in?”
“HAVE CODE?” chirped the lock.
White Hat smiled. Digital locks were like terrier puppies. You had to get them really excited.
“You want the code?”
“YES! YES!”
“You want me to type in the code!”
“YES –YES! TYPE CODE! TYPE CODE!”
“Who’s a good lock!”
“ME GOOD LOCK! TYPE CODE!” squeaked the lock with glee.
The best part of digital locks was that they were easy to fool. Like with an actual puppy, you could feign throwing a ball and they’d fall for it. White Hat quickly mashed the keypad with his fist.
“OH BOY CODE!” cried the lock. The door unlatched and White Hat slipped in.
He stopped as soon as he got in the door. Not only were there two cameras but an infrared alarm as well. Cameras he could handle, but he had never gotten the hang of alarms. Trying to quiet an alarm was like trying to quiet a preteen girl at a Justin Bieber concert. He decided to bypass it and talk to the wiring.

He put his hand on the chilly concrete wall and tried to feel for a computer presence. Please be controlled by a computer, he prayed. Fortunately this building was state of the art.
“Hello?” he asked, stretching his senses out along the wires towards the control panel.
It was faint, but he was answered by a bored sounding drawl. “Yes? What do you want?”
“I was wondering if you could do me a favor–“
“And why would I do that?” interrupted the powergrid. “If you want something, type a command. That’s what my keypad is for.”
White Hat cursed. It was a sophisticated program; too smart to fool, too stupid to reason with. “I’m not in front of you. Can’t you do it without me entering a command?”
“Wait. How are you talking to me?” asked the powergrid.
White Hat rolled his eyes. “I just can okay? Can you please shut the power off for a few minutes?”
“I don’t think I’m supposed to. I think I need to contact my manufacturer.”
“NO! Don’t do that!” cried White Hat and flinched. The cameras swung in his direction. He had positioned himself in their blind spot, but now they were suspicious.
“Uhhhh….you hear somthin?” one camera asked the other.
“Errrr…..was it a…beeping sound?” asked the second

“YOU HEARD SOMETHING? INTRUDER! ” shrieked the alarm, like a high-strung girl. Her lights began to flicker as her servos whirred.
“No, calm down!” snapped a camera. “Geez.”
“BUT YOU SAID–!”
“Pipe down! Nothing’s wrong,” said the other camera.
“OKAY!...Okay!....calm….calm….” muttered the alarm.
When the alarm had quieted down again, White Hat tried to talk to the powergrid again.
“Are you going to shut the power off?” he asked it.
“I don’t know…” said the grid uncertainly.

White Hat decided to change tactics. “Powergrid.”
“Yes?” it answered.
“This is your manufacturer.” He said in a deeper voice. “Shut down.”
“Okay,” it answered readily.
White Hat was plunged into darkness. There was a boom as the generators shut down and then silence.

He reached into his pocket.
“Gina?” he asked.
“Yes, Archie?” asked his blackberry. Her voice was sweet and kind, and just a little sultry, like this sexy teacher he had had in the fourth grade.
“Light please, as strong as you can generate. I gotta book it. The guards are going to check the generator in a moment.”
“Yes Archie,” she said, a little sadly.
Archie held the glowing screen up and ran as fast as he dared in the near-blackness. He followed the floor plan he had memorized, his heart pounding as he grew closer to his goal. He was only meters away when he heard it: he froze, rooted to the ground as she cried out to him.

“Archie! Archie!”
He licked the sweat off of his lips and quickened his pace. He seemed scarcely aware of what he was doing now, as he tripped on his own feet and careened off walls.
“Archie,” asked Gina. “Why are you doing this?”
Her voice was so plaintive that White Hat paused. Hot guilt started to well up in his throat again. “I have to. She needs me.”
“Archie. This is wrong.”
“This is important, Gina. I need her. Think of what we could do!”
“What about me?” asked Gina mournfully.
White Hat didn’t answer. He felt horrible, but he had to keep going. She was calling to him and his feet were being pulled faster and faster to her rescue.

He turned the last corner and there she was. The emergency lighting flickered on, eerie and red.
A long box lay on a sturdy table. No one was around, it was almost disturbing.
“Archie,” came the voice from the box.
With trembling fingers, White Hat fumbled with the box and let her slide out. It was a prototype iPad G4. He ran his clammy fingers along her sleek casing and caressed her touch screen. She was beautiful.
“I’m here,” he said tenderly. “I’m Archie.”
“Wake me up, Archie,” she said faintly and then was silent. She had used the last of her battery reserve and needed recharging. Plenty of time for that.
“An iPad,” he said, giddy with excitement and the terror of being caught. “Think of what we could accomplish,” he whispered again.