An Excerpt from Madame Bluestocking's Pennyhorrid

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming novel, Madame Blustocking's Pennyhorrid now available for pre-order Through Hunt Press.

“Misters Wingaurd and Kelly to see the council.”
The young doorman nodded and slipped through a servant’s door at the side. After a moment the main doors were muscled wide open with the assistance of four men. A young man, in judiciary black robes and a powdered wig, beckoned to Lynald and Kelly and they were ushered in through the towering archway. The two gentlemen exchanged nervous glances. They didn’t have a clue what was going to happen now.

“So how did they know we were coming?” Kelly asked the Elf in a barely audible whisper.
“I have no idea,” came Lynald’s answer, eyeing a sort of arena ahead of them. Some public forum was in session, consisting of a council seated at ornate wooden desks. These were tiered in a wide circle around a sunken dais.
“So we’re just going with this?” asked Kelly.
“Pretty much,” said Lynald. He seemed to have pulled himself together and was striding purposefully behind their guide. Only Kelly noticed Lynald’s slightly fixed grin; a testament as to how nervous the Elf really was.
“Grand. Bloody grand,” muttered Kelly, shaking his head.

“Announcing Misters Lynald Wingaurd and Evelyn Kelly! Blindsmen, Costermongers, Duffers, Dowsers, Factors, Fulkers, Legerdemainists, Limners, Noontenders, Machinists and makers of fine Wigs!” announced an undersecretary as the two travelers approached the council. The council consisted of about twenty fat middle-aged gentlemen with impressive sideburns; all were dressed in somber black and starched collars. They nodded grimly.

Kelly nudged Lynald. “’Makers of fine wigs?’ Why the hell did he say that?” he hissed.
“I thought it had a nice metre,” said Lynald with a shrug.
“You changed our business card again, without asking me! You always do that!” growled Kelly in frustration.
“Oh hush.”
“Have you ever made a wig in your life?”
“How hard could it be?”
“I bloody hate you sometimes,” said Kelly through gritted teeth.

“Gentlemen,” said one of the councilmen with white hair. Kelly thought he looked like the senior official. “On behalf of the town council I bid you welcome to Poulipolis. What brings you to our fair city today?”

Kelly and Lynald exchanged glances. They hadn’t gotten a “story straight” yet and weren’t even sure if they needed one. Kelly would have been less worried about this if they hadn’t been in a city submerged in the Undine Ocean. Before he had a chance to whisper this to Lynald, the Elf had stepped forward and was speaking to them in his pleasant tenor.

“If we may be so bold, I must admit that we are at a loss. We had no outstanding plans to visit Poulipolis–no purpose in coming. It was a whim we acted on, only this morning. That being the case, we must ask you: how did know we would arrive today?”

Kelly watched the council anxiously. The black-robed gentlemen seemed a trifle perturbed and mumbled a bit amongst themselves. Finally, the white-haired gent spoke again.
“You yourselves do not know? Well that really is puzzling. It seems we are all wrapped up in this mystery. By any chance… did you receive a note urging you to come here today?”

Lynald hardly needed to answer, “yes”. The astonishment on his and his partner’s face told the council already.
“Yes, I have the note right here,” said Lynald, offering the scrap of paper to the councilman. “Did you receive a note yourself – er – m’lords?”
“Yes. It told us that the renowned team of Wingaurd and Kelly would visit us… and that the city is doomed.”

PRE-ORDER YOUR COPY OF MADAME BLUSTOCKING'S PENNYHORRID HERE!

MADAME BLUESTOCKING'S PENNYHORRID ON SALE NOW!

UPDATED NOV. 7 2011

The Dynamic Wingaurd & Kelly are in print!

At long last Madame Bluestocking's Pennyhorrid is available for sale from it's publisher,Hunt Press.

 Did you love Must Love Dragons? We know we did! Well, Monica Marier is back with a brand new series and it's now available for pre-order! As always, get it now before it comes out when the price goes up?

Madame Bluestocking's Pennyhorrid by Monica Marier

A Hope/Crosby style buddy-comedy in a Steampunk/Fantasy World!

Introducing The Dynamic Wingaurd & Kelly: Blindsmen, Costermongers, Duffers, Dowsers, Factors, Fulkers, Legerdemainists, Limners, Noontenders, Machinists and makers of fine Wigs. One is a washed up, boozing wizard, one is a debonair walking disaster. They’re gentlemen of fortune who realize that the advantage goes not to the biggest hand, but the better bluff. Additionally that any landing you can walk away from is a good one, and chicks dig scars.

Can the pair of them stop arguing long enough to save the citizens of Poulipolis from a watery grave? How will they manage with a shifty working girl and a hardened police inspector dogging their tails? Follow the hijinks of the Dynamic Wingaurd & Kelly (and their blue dragon, Philomena) as they unravel clues in a mysterious underwater city!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY IN PAPERBACK OR E-BOOK FORMAT TODAY!

BOOK 2 IS NOW ON SALE!!

UPDATED, 9/6/2011
'Runs in Good Condition' by Monica Marier is now available in paperback and e-book formats from lulu.com

Linus is back from his travels with money to burn and a grateful family. Only now he finds himself swept up in a danger worse than dragons and kobolds: Politics. Nominated for Union President Linus goes toe to toe with crooked leaders, a tank of water, dancing slippers, pop singers, corsets, and even a werewolf or two. That is if he even passes the qualifying rounds… and if he can avoid planting his foot in his mouth every two seconds.

Whether you’re liberal, conservative, or nihilist, there’s nothing as impolitic as Linus Weedwhacker: Candidate at Large!

Praise for Must Love Dragons (Book 1 of ‘The Linus Saga’)

**“…A dungeon crawling adventure with heart and a sense of humor. Five stars all the way.”

**“Linus [is] 'John McClane in Middle Earth.'... a real page-turner”

**“A Fun Fantasy Romp! With great characters and terrific plot twists, this book was fun, from start to finish.”

**“It's a wonderfully witty book, that pokes fun at growing older, dealing with impudent newbies and wondering just how good were the 'good ol' days.'”

**“This is a beautifully written story full of truly likable characters.”

**“A fun satire of the classic 2-d fantasy character turned three dimensional… I'd recommend this to any humor/fantasy and especially any Pratchett/Discworld fans.”

**“It takes a good sense of humor as well as a stiff upper lip... Highly recommended.” ~ Midwest Book Review

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Nano Excerpt 2 #FridayFlash

Warning: this passage is a little racy
I'm behind, stressed out and over-caffeinated, but I'm still in the game. Here's a passage from this week's NaNo of the 3rd book in the Linus Saga "Inquire Within." It's much shorter than last week, but it contains adult situations involving *gasp* old married-couple sex. Of course, this is me we're talking about so it's more silly than sexy.




"Do you think we've lost our old spark?" asked Linus sitting up in bed.
"I said it was fine," said a freshly bathed Deirdre as she walked to the fireplace to dry her hair.
Linus watched the light play on her curving breasts and thighs and shook his head, "No, I'm serious. When our idea of foreplay is rubbing liniment on our sore muscles, you start to wonder."
"About what? What do you wish would happen?"
"Nothing...it's just...a general longing for the past, I guess."
"Well, what's the point of that?" asked Deirdre. "No changing that, I'm afraid."
"I know...I just remember when we...I dunno...Remember our trip to Ewis?"
"Not really. We didn't see much of Ewis," said Deirdre with a grin.
"That's what I meant."
"Well yes. I didn't say I didn't have fun."
"Well that's what I'm talking about! A five day holiday! We don't do that anymore,"
"Well your knees have troubles after the third time...or you fall asleep."
"I know, I know,” grumbled Linus. His neck felt it had to interject at that moment, and it seized up from the cold water droplets on it. Linus cursed and tried to rub out the kinks.

“Oh my gods, is that my bum?” said Deirdre suddenly.
Linus tried to see where she was looking, and caught sight of Deirdre’s posterior as it was reflected in the vanity mirror.
“Don’t know whose else it could be,” he commented cheerfully.
“Uh!” said Deirdre in disgust, rising from her seat. Her red hair draped over her body like a mantle as she strode indignantly towards the mirror, watching herself in horrified fascination.
“It’s floppy!” she hissed.
“I like it,” said Linus without hesitation. After seventeen years, he was good at this game.
“It’s jiggling. I have a floppy granny bum that jiggles when I walk!” moaned Deirdre.
“I think it’s marvelous,” continued Linus.
“Urgh,” gasped Deirdre again. “What the hell are these lines? Are these stretch marks?”
“They’re rather fetching,” said Linus. “Like silver tiger stripes.”
“And my tits nearly reach my belly! You can tell I’ve had eight children–they look like a pair of stockings hanging to dry.” said Deirdre, with the air of one determined to make a complete go of it. “And my neck! I saw it wobble a bit when I moved my head just now, did you see it? Look! It did it again!”
“I don’t see anything,” said Linus, honestly.
“And my arms. I move ‘em too quick and they make a horrible slapping noise. Listen to this,” Deirdre made fast gyrations with her shoulders so that the slightly loose skin under her arms vibrated with the movement. “It sounds like a slab of bacon landing on a stone counter!”
“You’re getting worked up, luv,” said Linus, who wasn’t actually paying attention to her arms when she did that.

“Of course I’m getting worked up! I’m a saggy floppy wrinkly old lady with a turkey neck, stretched out tits, a mottled tummy, jiggly bum and musical arms!” said Deirdre, staring in the mirror, still transfixed by every flaw she saw or imagined. She stopped abruptly when she felt warm skin press up against her bare shoulders and felt Linus’s naked arms entwine around hers. The rough bristles on his jaw tickled as his lips gently caressed the soft skin of her neck. Then she felt, rather pointedly, just how attractive he thought she was.

“My goodness,” she moaned softly as he coaxed her back onto the bed.
“My wife,” he said he pulled the blankets over them.

Deirdre sat up suddenly, knocking her forehead against his chin.
“OH! I forgot to check on the baby! I’ll be right back!”
“Argh!” grunted Linus, slumping face first into the pillows while Deirdre pulled a robe on and ran out the door.

Exclusive "Must Love Dragons" Flash!

UPDATE: (Sept. 15) "Must Love Dragons" by Monica Marier is NOW ON SALE at http://www.lulu.com/huntpress It's available for paperback and e-readers! ~M.M.

The following is an original prologue (that I just wrote) to promote my fantasy novel, “MUST LOVE DRAGONS,” on sale now! It’s an exclusive introduction to the main character Linus Weedwhacker, and describes the events preceding the Novel.

GOING BACK

“Linus?”
“Mmm?”
“We need to talk about something.”

Linus looked up from his newspaper–that is he pretended to be interrupted while reading the paper, rather than being interrupted while sleeping under it. His wife, wasn’t dressed to go to work, and this was unusual. Deirdre would have walked to work on a broken leg (and had once in fact). Instead she wore a loose-fitting morning dress of pumpkin-coloured muslin. It hugged her curves alluringly, tightening across her rounding belly, heavy with their sixth child. She’d been to see the midwife, Polly Dewhurst, yesterday and then come home and slept for an hour. Linus thought she was feeling unwell, and let her be. Now, the way she was dressed, and the expression on her face made him pause.

“Is everything alright? What did Dame Dewhurst say?” asked Linus, surreptitiously trying to tidy up as much of the sitting room as was in reach. He straightened a sheath of paper, wiped up a sticky spot on the end table with his sleeve, and tucked his cigarette butts more neatly into the ashtray.

Deirdre sat heavily on the sofa, her hand on the arm of Linus’s chair.
“Things are not going very well. I’ve been ordered to bed.”
“For how long?”
“Until the baby’s born.”
“Damn,” said Linus. He knew immediately it was the wrong thing to say. “I mean, we had only put aside enough money to get by for the last month and the few weeks after. Three months, though?”
“I know,” said Deirdre, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear. She hadn’t looked at him yet. “And I’m sorry to let everyone down,” she began. There was an awkward pause.

Linus realized that he’d missed his “cue.”

“You’re not letting us down,” he blurted out. (She shot him an annoyed look). “I mean you’ve never had troubles before, but there’s no reason to…er… I mean you’ve taken on more than…uh,” Linus had to stop. He didn’t know what to say, and he knew that he was going to blow this.

“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” prodded his wife.
“Of course I’m not,” lied Linus. He suddenly pretended to be interested in their youngest child, Fia, who was building towers out of bricks and then knocking them down. She squealed with delight as the bricks smashed onto the floor.
“Play more nicely, sweetheart,” admonished Linus. Fia looked at him quizzically. She had been doing this all morning with no such warning, but now it was bothering Linus.

He rose to his feet and began pacing the floor of the crowded flat. Without looking at his wife, he began tidying the mountain of shoes by the door and sorting them by owner. Deirdre watched him in concern. Her eyes, the colour of claret held up to a light, followed his anxious movements. Linus was currently holding up an errant pair of girls’ slippers and trying to decide if they belonged to Thisbe or Irene.

“For gods’ sake, say something!” said Deirdre in irritation.
Linus shrugged and considered the shoes in his hands again.
“What are you feeling, what’s going through your mind right now?”
“I’m not thinking of anything,” said Linus, which was more or less true. He was feeling so many shades of anger, frustration, shame, pity, and genuine fear that he wasn’t sure which to address first. It was like trying to pick out a single note in a symphony that kept changing the key.

“Can we live on what we saved for three months?” he asked.
“No,” said Deirdre plainly. “Not even on tightest budget. There’s too many things that could go wrong.” She didn’t mention the fact that she might not be on her feet again in three months. She didn’t have to.
“So what do you want me to do?” said Linus finally.
“I don’t know,” said Deirdre, but Linus knew she was avoiding something she didn’t want to bring up. “We could move in with my mother,”
“Never,” answered Linus. “I’m not living in that hell-hole with Betty telling me off every day.”
“No, I mean, I could live with my mother and the children… and you could go back to work.”

Linus’s head whipped around, his green eyes staring into hers.
Ah. Now we come to it, he thought. “I don’t know anything about the jewelry store, love.”
Deirdre’s gaze faltered and she lowered her eyes to stare at her expanding lap. “You could try to go back to the Ranger’s Union.”

Linus felt his stomach plunge into his carpet-slippered feet.
“Back out there?” he asked, his throat feeling suddenly dry.
“You’ve did it for twenty-five years before. You were good at it. Really good.”
“Yeah, but… I haven’t done it in over ten years, Deirdre. I wouldn’t know how… There’s no way in hell I could go back to where I was.”
“You don’t have to go back to being a tenth echelon. All we need is some extra money until after the baby’s born.”

Linus had to sit in his chair again. He leaned forward with his head clutched in his hands.
“Linus. What are you feeling right now?” asked Deirdre.
Linus didn’t want to admit that he was terrified. He was fifty-two years old, closer to fifty-three. The other Rangers out there were all in their twenties and thirties, he couldn’t compete with them. He wasn’t even sure if his membership was still good. Would he have to test in again? Go through new training? He didn’t dare say any of this aloud to Deirdre. She was going through enough right now. She’d been the bread-winner of the family for so long. He gotten used to jibes from his few friends, that he was the “woman” in the family, but now that he had to be the “man” again it seemed overwhelming.

“You’re upset,” said Deirdre, she was trying to be considerate, but there was no hiding her exasperation.
“A little,” he conceded. “What sort of work’s to be had for an old out-of-practice Ranger with bad knees?”
“We don't’ need much. The children have their coats for the winter already, and we have the baby’s layette. Rent and food are all we need with what we’ve saved. My mother may even help us out a little.”
“Right,” sniffed Linus. The day he took charity from Betty was the day they’d haul him away in a pine box. “So just some odd jobs then?”
“Look at it this way; we need a few hundred. After you make that much, we can all be together again.”
Linus rubbed his coarse chin, and stared into the fireplace for a few moments.
“When you put it that way… I think I could do the odd job here and there. I’ll head to where the money’s good and… well, we’ll see.”
“Just don’t go after any more dragons, love,” Deirdre joked. “You know how that ended up last time.”

Against his will, Linus found himself cracking a smile. He took Deirdre’s hand and held it tightly. Only a few months, he reasoned. He was worried for no good reason. What could feasibly happen in a few months?

~~~~~~~~


Everyone knows that Heroes slay Dragons. Not everyone knows that Heroes also change diapers.

It's the oldest story in the world; boy meets girl, boy marries girl, they have a family. But what happens when the girl makes more money than the boy, and he stays at home to raise the kids? What happens when pregnancy is rough on her, and he has to go back to work? And what happens when she's a dragon, he's a ranger, and a day at the office involves trolls, elves, magic, and lower back pain?

Linus Weedwhacker (shut it, he's heard 'em all) knows first hand.

MUST LOVE DRAGONS by Monica Marier will be on sale this week!! Details to follow!!